Face Your Fears

"Mom, this year for Halloween, I wanna be zombie Christopher Lloyd!" Well, this mask is certainly the one to use if that's what you're aiming for. And what a delightful mask it isn't, isn't it? Everything about this guy puts you in a good mood when you see him. He's just got an infectious grin (and it likely is infectious, considering how long he's been dead for, please don't let him actually bite you) that you just can't help but appreciate, and those bugging piercing blue eyes that seem to say, "Trust me, I'm not undead, seriously, I won't hurt you, just come stand over here unarmed for a moment and I'll prove it." Sure, his pallor is your standard generic grey/blue mixture, which is certainly nothing new, but it could be worse, and the veins thrown on for good measure, while, again, not expertly made in any sense of the word, are a nice touch at least. In all honesty, it isn't exactly the most original mask. Lord kn...

I would imagine it's pretty easy to get lockjaw when your entire mouth is bigger than the Grand Canyon. That being said, Chomper McTooth here is an impressive specimen nonetheless, wouldn't you agree? I mean, he would make a dentists job extremely easy, and that's got to count for something . Chomper falls into that rare category of "human masks with monstrous features that makes them very offputting", but even then what is Chomper's crime? Just having a big ass jaw that makes him swallow children as easily as a python swallows a house cat? I don't think that's any reason to be slapped with a monster label, if you ask me. I mean, sure, eating children is certainly worthy of the label, but not his jaw outright. Chomper is also made all the more horrifying when you visualize what it would actually look like on a persons face. I know it's kind of hard to picture because all we have to go on is this styrofoam mannequin head encased in what appears to b...

When you're down in Coolsville, be aware that you're also deep in Rubbertown, where the meanest, slickest gangs of monsters meet. This guy, Johnny Horns, is the head (not to be cute) of the toughest gang around, and he's a pretty decent guy despite that leader role. Sure he may act tough, he may ride a motorcycle and have a bedazzled leather jacket that bears the phrase "Kill The Plastics", but otherwise he's a good guy to have around. Johnny Horns isn't a bad guy any means. He's got a good set of morals and a decent head on his head on his shoulders, but that doesn't mean he won't fuck you up and sideways if you cross him or hurt any of his family. He's tough, but he's fair, and he'll give you two shakes of a lambs tail before he brings the hammer of rubber justice down on you hard. Seriously though, this thing is great. It's such a unique design. It's missing a jaw, first of all, despite being a mask you wear around your w...

Let's be honest, this guy looks like an outright criminal. The combination of the bad teeth, the enormous nose, the warts and the beanie, this guy is the epitome of cartoon criminal, right? I can't be the only one who feels this way, can I? It's almost a stereotype it's so spot on, really. But you know the real highlight of this mask? The tag. As much as I love the masks I cover, often I admit the supplemental material comes through in spades just as much if not more, and this tag is a prime example of that. Despite having absolutely no identifying company names on it, it's extremely eye catching; a bright almost goldenrod color, with the most generic text one can muster, it reads thusly: "For a professional look, before using apply greaseless stage makeup or makeup stick around the eyes. MADE IN USA. Available in stores that want the best for their customers." There's a lot to unpack in just those 3 brief sentence fragments, so let's take it one a...

Read #1 / Read #2 / Read #3 / Read #4 / Read #5  Here we are yet again, with the sixth installment of Vintage Mask Roundup! Tallman Jones as I've come to call him, is the first boy in our lineup this time, and man is he tall . Like, obnoxiously so, actually. Why does this photo overall look like something someone took in the dead of night in a mental ward? Everything about this from the pine board walls to the tissuebox shoes to the mask - DEAR GOD THE MASK - makes me so completely unsettled. Job well done I suppose? Let's talk about that mask, man. Hovering somewhere between an executioners mask and a gimp mask, this thing is the absolute epitome of uncomfortable. Like, if the word "uncomfortable" ever took on a physical manifestation, it would be this goddamned mask. And you'd probably punch it right in its horrifying face, let's be honest. The tallness only adds to the whole creepy vibe, not to mention he's got no arms! He's just a tall white sh...

You want a cartoon witch personified in rubber mask form? Ask and you shall receive! Actually, if we're being totally honest, this thing looks a lot like The Old Witch horror host that EC comics used in their horror comics back in the 50s and 60s, almost to a tee. Right down to the ragged hood, the maddening grin, the plump eyeballs (and it just occurred to me that I may be the first person to ever write the phrase 'plump eyeballs' and since doing so I hope to god I'm the last because boy is that an uncomfortable combination of words) and the white straggly hair. Like a demented grandmother hell bent on murdering and then cooking her own grandchildren, this ugly bitch is certainly a mask with attitude, and I love that. I'm not sure if the eyes glow proper, or they're simply an extremely shiny shade of orange, but either way I think it's a fantastic addition to the overall design and I can't get enough of it, even if one of them is seemingly popping right...

Often, when I'm doing my general search through eBay for new masks to cover on this blog, I'll run across something that really shouldn't exist for any real good reason. Usually I simply ignore these and continue scrolling, but I think at this point it's time to talk about what a prevalent issue this has become in the mask world, because my god is it overwhelming me. I've dubbed these types of masks The Masked Terror, and, unfortunately, they are not a badass vigilante group fighting the injustice of the government. Instead, they're merely a collection of masks that terrify and confuse the hell out of us all, and I don't think I should have to suffer alone with this anymore, so I'm taking you with me. Think of this as a sort of "Vintage Mask Roundup" or that one post I did about all the variants of horse masks ( "The Necessary To Cry Coral" ), because it's obviously not a normal post where I just focus on one mask, but instead a s...