The Shnoz

Let's be honest, this guy looks like an outright criminal.

The combination of the bad teeth, the enormous nose, the warts and the beanie, this guy is the epitome of cartoon criminal, right? I can't be the only one who feels this way, can I? It's almost a stereotype it's so spot on, really. But you know the real highlight of this mask? The tag.

As much as I love the masks I cover, often I admit the supplemental material comes through in spades just as much if not more, and this tag is a prime example of that. Despite having absolutely no identifying company names on it, it's extremely eye catching; a bright almost goldenrod color, with the most generic text one can muster, it reads thusly:

"For a professional look, before using apply greaseless stage makeup or makeup stick around the eyes. MADE IN USA. Available in stores that want the best for their customers."

There's a lot to unpack in just those 3 brief sentence fragments, so let's take it one at a time, alright? The first part is pretty straight forward advice really, though I'd be willing to argue there's no way to look professional in this god forsaken thing. Instead, it reads more like a tip you'd get on your first day to work in an office building. But then we're hit with the BIG, bold, "MADE IN USA" bit square in the center, as if anyone looking for a mask such as this gives a hoot where it was manufactured. As long as it does the job well, then who cares who produced it? I can't imagine someone in the theater department seeing that and thinking, "Well, I can't not use this mask, it'd be unamerican, and we're patriots of the arts!" Ridiculous. But perhaps the absolute best part of the tag is the last statement, "Available in stores that want the best for their customers." This is a ballsy claim. Outright it's insinuating that any stores that don't carry this mask hate their customers, and then simultaneously patting its own store on the back for carrying it. A double whammy, and sadly, a marketing ploy that often works.

So yeah, the tag is excellent. The garishness of the color mixed with the half ass descriptors makes a pretty entertaining little bit of fun. But how's the mask itself? Well, let's take a second look, this time from the front.

It looks even more horrifying from the front, to be honest.

Those empty eye sockets leering into your soul, those tiny teeth chittering as he draws ever closer and you feel the enormous honks of air coming out of a nose that would make even a horse jealous of its size, this is a face not be trifled with. I do like the subtle forehead wrinkles included, I feel like that's a nice little touch that wasn't as visible in the first image, and the fact that this guy has jowls is now very much prominent, and only adds to the unsettling feature of the whole thing.

But I wanna talk about the hat. Can we talk about the hat? Because it's supposed to be this sort of home invader low tier criminal beanie, from what I can gather, but not only did they pick the most non threatening color one can have, oh no, but apparently it was the selling point. Not, you know, the giant nose. Who cares about a giant nose if you don't have a goofy violet colored beanie to go with it, am I right? And if you think I'm kidding, just check out the eBay listing I found this on.

"Quality knitted hat". The hat alone is worth 10 dollars. Wow. A whopping ten bucks. How did they arrive at that price point? Did they do research? Compare it to other masks with other hats and determined there's was the best quality? Really, I'd like to know how they came to this conclusion, and then why they thought 10 whole dollars was worth bragging about. I have news for you, eBay lister, the HAT ISN'T THE MOST IMPORTANT PART HERE. The low level inner city mob goon it's attached to is what matters here, okay? The size of his nose alone should be able to prove to you which aspect is the most enticing.

I bought a beanie from Walmart a few years ago that was 5 dollars that looks like this hat, except it's yellow, so I feel fairly confident in saying that I'm pretty sure that beanie isn't worth 10 dollars, sorry to break it to you, buddy. Either way, and I can't believe I have to reiterate this as much as I am, the hat isn't the selling point to this mask. It's a nice touch. It's a neat feature. It certainly adds to the character. But I'm pretty goddamned sure the nose the size of the Nile river is actually the selling point here. Just gonna go out on a hunch and assume I'm right with this one.

The proportions are what make this mask stand out, and likely because it has nothing else really going for it. It's not a monster, it's not a creature, it's not even anything really original. It's just a low level criminal with a goofy hat and a giant nose. But hey, sometimes that's enough. I mean, look at me, I just spent an entire blog post talking about him! The Shnoz seems to be working his magic.

I guess the old saying was true after all.

The nose knows.