Face Your Fears

And today on "Americas Next Top SuperMonster" (a show you would totally watch, don't even try to deny it), we have beautiful Swamp Crud, hailing from the muddy backwaters of Louisiana. She's looking to change the world with her positive outlook and her hopes to start a non profit for young monsters unaware they're being discussed by goofy blogs on the internet. But in all seriousness, Swamp Crud is a magnificent design, mostly because of how goddamned funny she looks. Maybe it's just this angle, but her mouth is an oval and her teeth look like those of someone who should've had dental work done long ago. Her skin is covered in what I can only assume are moss covered maggots and her eyes appear to be falling out of their sockets. What a gorgeous creature. Swamp Crud is so wonderfully campy, in a way that all the other masks I've covered simply haven't managed to be. She looks sassy, like she's about to give me a good what for. I don't know w

I know that it's not in my nature to cover masks on this blog that aren't just utterly bizarre and look like some weird monster out of some 50s dime store horror novel, but every now and then one crosses my path that I absolutely refuse to ignore, and such is the case with this one. There's just something so utterly wonderful about what appears to be a grizzled retired clown with a drinking problem who, for some reason we are unaware of, has a spider permanently attached to his forehead. It's glorious. And while some argument could be made that this is meant to be a vampire, what with the sharp teeth and pointy ears, I prefer to continue thinking of him as an out of work clown. I mean, a vampire with a spider on his head is kind of normal for a vampire, you know? That's what they do . That's their shtick. But a clown with a penchant for expensive whiskey and thousands of dollars in debt who one day woke up with a spider attached to his head that he can't rem

Besides being what appears to be Uncle Fester after getting his face caught in the cake mixer, this mask is a true piece of craftsmanship. Just look at the lines, the curls, the colors, the shading. This thing is a masterpiece and if I were any less of an Italian, I'd likely not have just kissed my fingers in a *muah* kind of manner. But since I am an Italian, that's exactly what I did because that's how we display our admiration of beauty in our culture. That and making love to bowls of pasta. Italian jabs at myself aside, this thing really is a masterpiece, and by the end of it, I'll have even the most non believing agreeing with me. Most of the masks I cover are, in essence, fairly simple. They are a flat rubber or latex shape that doesn't deviate much from the general design. Oh sure, some look like ghouls and some look like fish and some look like some weird ghoul fish that a deaf woman would try to have sex with, but in the end, they're all cut from t

Before Doug Jones made it cool to want to openly fuck humanoid fish people, fishophiles had to live in fear, secluded to their hollywood homes, their careers stalled while they continued shutting down rumors of their love of the animals dwelling in the sea. It's okay Troy McClure, we still love you. But now that it's apparently totally fine to say you want to sleep with The Creature From The Black Lagoon, let's explore that a bit more with this fine mask, whom I'm named Grubby. He just looks like a Grubby, you know? This is actually a fairly decently made mask, upon first glance. The scales on the throat, that wild eye design mixed with a weirdly out of place and yet acceptable human nose, along with the tiny barnacles growing on his head and the wild Bozo The Clown hair, this thing's got it goin' on. And I don't mean that in a sexual way. I am not one of the women who wants to fuck fish creatures. I'm more of a lesbian werewolf kind of person. Ei

Sometimes I wonder what fuels hobbies or collectors. I myself am both a hobbyist and a collector, and yet I am simply confounded at the hobbies and collectibles that other hobbyist and collectors are involved in. Recently, I've taken to Ebaying a lot of old things because I desperately need the money,  but in doing so, it's made me search for some pretty weird things, like Swatch's and now masks. But why would I make a blog about bad masks? Well, it seemed only natural, I mean, I've already got sister blogs "Be Kind, Rewind" about bad VHS box art and "Crackin' Spines" about bad book covers I find in thrift stores, so it just makes sense to start making a blog everytime a new awful interest pops into view. But there's something different about this one, and that's that there's much more to masks than just making fun of them. There's more genuinely cool masks I think than bad ones, there's masks from other cultures, ther