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Americas Next Top SuperMonster




And today on "Americas Next Top SuperMonster" (a show you would totally watch, don't even try to deny it), we have beautiful Swamp Crud, hailing from the muddy backwaters of Louisiana. She's looking to change the world with her positive outlook and her hopes to start a non profit for young monsters unaware they're being discussed by goofy blogs on the internet. But in all seriousness, Swamp Crud is a magnificent design, mostly because of how goddamned funny she looks. Maybe it's just this angle, but her mouth is an oval and her teeth look like those of someone who should've had dental work done long ago. Her skin is covered in what I can only assume are moss covered maggots and her eyes appear to be falling out of their sockets. What a gorgeous creature.

Swamp Crud is so wonderfully campy, in a way that all the other masks I've covered simply haven't managed to be. She looks sassy, like she's about to give me a good what for. I don't know what a "what for" actually is, but I hear it can be absolutely scathing, so I certainly don't want one. Either way, campy and sassy or not, she's a wonderful example of great mask design. I'd wear this at a drag show, complete with a Jessica Rabbit dress, and lemme tell you, I'd KILL. Even though I wouldn't even really being doing drag, cause I'm already a woman, but you get the idea.

I especially love the mane of algae that she's sporting. You just know she's super into her hair, and for good measure. It's by far her most appealing feature. It's the rotten icing on the grossout cake. I can just picture Swamp Crud at the salon, checking out her nails as her hair dries, the moss maggots wriggling in the heat of the hairdryer, as she shit talks Becky from next door. I love how the eye design extends far beyond the eyehole of the mask itself. Really cool idea to give her what appear to be grown on fish lashes and the coloring of the mouth and eyes, that sort of plum peace mixture is absolute perfection. If only we could all be as super fly as Swamp Crud is. One thing I can say, however, is that I imagine it would likely get extremely warm and uncomfortable inside that thing after a while, what with not only the rubber encapsulating your face like a life sucking alien but also the amount of hair they attached to it. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about these rubbers masks, guys. You ready? Here it is. They aren't very well ventilated. I know, what a shocker, but it's true. These things get extremely warm and uncomfortable after a bit, and they wind up making you sweat a ton to the point where you're more moisture than person. And, while I agree it'd be cool to be a moisture person because that's a pretty neat monster concept in and of itself, it isn't very attractive. Being all slippery and stuff. Ew.

Swamp Crud is nothing short of a masterwork in fun. That's it, pure and simple. She's fun. A lot of the other masks I've covered, they're wonderful, they're artistic endeavors worth the effort put into them, but Swamp Crud here is one of the few rare instances that I feel like the person who made it really just had fun making it. They wanted to make something really out there and goofy and boy howdy did they succeed. Looks like a walking talking Audrey 2, honestly, and if given the chance, I would feed her all night long.

Alright, that certainly paints me in a weird light, I admit, but who cares. Swamp Crud and I would be absolute besties, I guarantee it. Days spent at the mall going on shopping sprees and getting brunch, nights spent in the swamps of her hometown, devouring those who stupidly set foot on our turf. A good time would be had by all. Except, I guess, the people we'd eat. Probably not a very good time for them. Swamp Crud is a perfect example of someone making something they truly just had a great time designing, and that's it. No interference from anyone else, telling them "make it scarier" or "do it this way" or "no, you can't do that, please stop asking, you're making HR very uncomfortable". No. She was born out of love for the sake of creation, and for that alone we should envy her. If only more of us could've been born out of love instead of desperation to save an already disintegrating marriage.

So yeah, that's Swamp Crud in all her crusty glory. I've heard if you kiss her, the moss maggots tickle your face, and that it's really cute. So if you're interested in kissing swamp monsters, now's your chance.

A girl can dream, can't she.


Pucker up, ladies. It's time for smoochin.
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