Twist & Shout

Besides being what appears to be Uncle Fester after getting his face caught in the cake mixer, this mask is a true piece of craftsmanship. Just look at the lines, the curls, the colors, the shading. This thing is a masterpiece and if I were any less of an Italian, I'd likely not have just kissed my fingers in a *muah* kind of manner. But since I am an Italian, that's exactly what I did because that's how we display our admiration of beauty in our culture. That and making love to bowls of pasta. Italian jabs at myself aside, this thing really is a masterpiece, and by the end of it, I'll have even the most non believing agreeing with me.

Most of the masks I cover are, in essence, fairly simple. They are a flat rubber or latex shape that doesn't deviate much from the general design. Oh sure, some look like ghouls and some look like fish and some look like some weird ghoul fish that a deaf woman would try to have sex with, but in the end, they're all cut from the same cloth. Except this guy. This guy breaks the mold by having his entire mouth jut out from his face, like a fleshy real life Dr. Seuss character.With his eyes forever locked in an upwards stare, his eyebrows raised ever so slightly, he looks genuinely concerned for your well being.

That's the best thing about this mask, is just how lovable he comes off as. He looks like he just wants a friend, and who doesn't wanna befriend good ol' Twisty here? Come on, look at those eyes and tell me you don't feel a pang of empathy for the poor guy. What design genius came up with this creation? This is one of the few times that I really wish I had more information on these masks, because I would love to shake this persons hand for making this mask and doing it so artfully.

The colors, the shapes, the shading, it's all just utter perfection.For god sakes, his pupils are even looking in different directions! This guy isn't a threat, except maybe a threat to your other friendships when he worms his way into your heart and you realize how much you more you like hanging out with him instead your old loser non twisty faced friends.

There's a hint of teeth inside the mouth, there's what appears to be a single nostril. This is mask design at it's peak, and I absolutely love it. I also love the coloring. Those shades of subdued blood red around the eyes and the purpleness surrounding the wrinkles and twists, it's just...god is it perfect. He even looks like there's a somewhat black stain under the eyes, almost like he's been crying? And maybe he's been crying because for far too long society has told him that he's ugly and he hasn't had any self esteem, and who could blame him? Society projects all sorts of ridiculous improbable beauty standards on us, especially those of us who really don't conform to what they think we should adhere to visually. Need I remind you of Braniac Suckerface? Exactly.

If I saw this guy lumbering around my hallway in the dead of night, probably trying to be friends with the mice that live in my house that I now have for this imaginary sentiment, and of course he'd be trying to be friends with the mice because look at him he's two goddamned pennies shy of asking you how beautiful the farm is while you load a shotgun at his head from behind, I would invite him in for...well, not a spot of tea. I'm not english. I mean, I enjoy tea and everything, but it's not something I just have on hand at all times in case somebody drops in. But, you know...something at least. Maybe a cool soda pop and some cookies? I don't know. My point is, I wouldn't be scared of him. He's too innocent looking to be scared of!

And sitting there, cookies crumbling in his twisted craw and crumbs littering my floor because let's be honest, Hieronymus Bosch's Vin Diesel's not going to be able to eat properly, I'd listen to his lifes tale. His woes about how his mother always judged him for not being as handsome as the other boys, and how he could never have his photo taken or look in a mirror because every time he tried the lens or glass would crack and shatter, and how everyone is afraid to be seen with him in a romantic setting because society has conditioned us to be extremely aesthetically demanding of one another in order to be emotionally entangled. And I'd offer him another cookie, and I'd pat his little bald head and I'd tell him, "It's alright Joe (his name is Joe now, I've just decided), you're safe now. You don't have to be beautiful, because you're already beautiful."

And Joe would cry, and I would comfort him, for being considered a monster and thusly shunned by society is the one thing that queer people can all seemingly relate to.

Jesus fucking christ that got depressing.

Now I need a cookie.