A Man Who's Full Of Spiders

I know that it's not in my nature to cover masks on this blog that aren't just utterly bizarre and look like some weird monster out of some 50s dime store horror novel, but every now and then one crosses my path that I absolutely refuse to ignore, and such is the case with this one. There's just something so utterly wonderful about what appears to be a grizzled retired clown with a drinking problem who, for some reason we are unaware of, has a spider permanently attached to his forehead. It's glorious. And while some argument could be made that this is meant to be a vampire, what with the sharp teeth and pointy ears, I prefer to continue thinking of him as an out of work clown. I mean, a vampire with a spider on his head is kind of normal for a vampire, you know? That's what they do. That's their shtick. But a clown with a penchant for expensive whiskey and thousands of dollars in debt who one day woke up with a spider attached to his head that he can't remove? That's way better.

Or maybe we'll cut it down the middle, say it's a vampire clown. Which...now that I've put those two words together is about the scariest thing in the world. I don't know and I don't care, either way it's a guy with a spider on his head, and that's enough for me. What's even better than the mans look of semi confusion and terror is the spider itself. This spider looks like it was dropped from the web a few times as a child. Some sort of coloring book spider come to life with a learning disorder. And as someone with a learning disorder, I can say that, because I recognize that look on its face as a look I constantly have myself. I am one with this spider.

I like to think that maybe this spider has taken complete control of this man, and is now leading him to a better life. The spider isn't devious, lord knows, it simply wants to help. So he is now a host, a mere shell, to be piloted by this good natured spider. If only we all were full of spiders that wanted to pilot us towards better decisions and healthier life choices. I wish I were full of spiders.

Either way, this thing is so well done. The colors are vibrant and it revels in simplicity with only a few lines here and there to portray things. It looks like a plastic mask, as opposed to our normal rubber we see, but that's fine. This thing works because it's doesn't need to be super detailed and complex or 3d.

Spider Head works because he's basic. He's not super designed and extremely intricate. He's just a piece of plastic with some red lips, a protruding nose and a fucking spider on his forehead. He proves that simplicity can indeed be better than complexity. The best sort of masks, obviously, are the ones that meet in the middle. Where the complex is so well done that it appears simplistic, because that's where true artistry shines. When someone is so good at something that what they do, even if you recognize it as challenging, seems to be done with pure ease...then that's the best, in my opinion. But things like this are perfect sometimes. Sometimes all you need is a spider on your face.

The colors are wonderful. The tan they chose for the face mixes so beautifully with the darker tones they chose to use, especially the light blue lines used to denote wrinkles and other facial details. Though, I am a little uneasy about a balding vampire. I mean, I'm a writer and I read a lot and Twilight was pure garbage, but at least the vampires in those books put some effort into not looking like they're middle aged managers at your local Wendys or something. They look nice, you know? Vampires are supposed to have sex appeal, at least that's what we've always been told, and even if I wasn't a lesbian, I guarantee that "balding middle aged Wendys manager" would not get me wet, even if he had the spider on his face.

I like to think that maybe he lets the spider hang out because it's a cool conversation piece. I mean, imagine walking into someones home and you see they have a spider on their face. That's the first thing you're gonna talk about. Or, as I said at the start, the spider simply wants to control him and lead him to a better life. I cannot get over the goofiness of this spider face, you guys. I really can't. What makes it even better is the fact that it's clearly meant to be a Black Widow, a supposedly extremely dangerous and deadly spider, a spider that terrifies most people, honestly. And yet he's got the face of a fucking Sesame Street character. Adorable little shit. Who does he think he is, being so goddamned cute. He sickens me. He sickens me with love.

Either way, Spider Head is not a mask I would generally discuss, and most of these plastic masks I usually don't cover. But every now and then, every once in a blue moon, there comes an outlier. A mask with such a strong personality that it cannot be ignored. And that mask is Spider Face.

I think I have an urge to own a Tarantula now and let it crawl all over me.