Read #1/ Read #2/ Read #3/ Read #4/ Read #5/ Read #6/ Read #7
There comes a time where we have to take a look back to the past and see where we've come from, and that time is right now. Welcome to yet another installment of Vintage Mask Roundup! This time, for the eighth edition, we're starting off with something that looks like it should be directly out of a mid 2000s direct to video discount bin horror movie titled something along the lines of "Hogtied" or something like that. In fact, since I don't do much research on these and take them at basically face value, it wouldn't shock me if this was actually just a still from some obscure crappy horror flick, but either way, Pig Butcher deserves to be seen. Here he is coming out of the mens room on his first day on the job (without washing his hands, might I add), ready to get back to slicing and dicing his lower brethren that we've all come to know as delicious. But Pig Butcher isn't scary. He lives an ordinary life. He goes home at night, microwaves a frozen dinner and falls asleep to Wheel of Fortune reruns with his girlfriend - she's a med student - and all in all he's got a pretty happy existence.
I don't know what it is about people with animal faces. That seems to be a common trope amongst the horror genre. The recent "Pet Semetary" remake - you don't have to see it, don't worry, you're not missing anything - had kids with animal masks, and anytime you go shopping for a Halloween mask there's always just a general aisle filled to the brim with animal masks. Not even spooky animal masks. Just, like, a giant monkey mask. We, as human beings, seem to have an innate terror of pseudo anthropomorphic creatures who might or might not be here to kill us. For god sakes, this photo alone is reminiscent of a villain in the movie "Motel Hell", where a guy who uses a chainsaw wears a pigs head over his own face. It isn't scary, and it isn't even original. But you know what is?
This photo from 1974, featuring what appears to be the offspring of a crocodile who mated with Slash and now eats people in the jungle. This is an example of someone who really goes all out for the season, and I love them for it. They didn't just come up with a costume, oh no, they came up with an entire goddamned set. Look at the skull with the candle in it, look at the skeleton leg hanging down from the inside of the tent. Look at the tent, for christ sakes! They executed not just people but also an entire concept in the comfort of what is presumably their living room. That takes commitment, and I applaud them for it.
I also like that it isn't exactly clear what this thing is. Clearly meant to be some pseudo cannibalistic monster, it has the face of something much more hideous, yet they wrote on a piece of paper taped to the bucket "George's Jungle", so is this what happens when George of the jungle mates with a crocodile and births this terrifying offspring that then not only ate her parents but also anyone else who might dare to oppose her? A siren of the weirdest kind, certainly. There's just so much to love about this photo, honestly, right down to that 70s camera grain, and I think it might personally be an all time favorite of mine thusfar.
Well, maybe not, because this next one is a strong contender for not just the best photo in this post, but perhaps the best photo in the entirety of the roundups history. May I present to you...Cool Vampire.
Cool Vampire, photographed here in his bachelor pad, is, as his name suggest, the coolest of the vampires. He doesn't live in a drafty old castle, he doesn't trick women into thinking he's something that he's not, and he refuses to stay out of sight of the society. He hits the bars every night, takes multitudes of ladies home and does it all while wearing a jacket featuring his own face, which on anyone else would be seen as conceited but on him just makes sense. When you're that cool, you're allowed to do that. He's got all the things a vampire needs; charm, charisma, a comfortable leather chair to recline in after a long night of sucking blood and boogieing the night away on the dance floor. Yes, Cool Vampire has all the confidence he needs, and he doesn't care what you think about him.
Vampires are a staple of Halloween costumes, even to this day, and yet the costumes are often so very banal and mundane, aren't they? A cape, a mask, a pair of plastic fangs perhaps. Rarely does anyone do anything out of the box, and go for the absurd, and that's what makes Cool Vampire so...well...cool. He's just a totally unique idea. He's a dapper dresser and you just know that after he gets done smoochin' the ladies necks that he comes home and relaxes with a nice glass of scotch. I just love the jacket too. The jacket is what really makes it. A jacket with his own face on it. Hilarious.
I hope the kid in this photo had the best life, cause he deserves it for being this cool.
On the opposite end of the cool spectrum, however, we have a little girl whose lack of imagination is made all the more apparent by her ability to be proud of it. I know that we all have had some stinker costumes throughout our lives, let's not kid ourselves. Sometimes it was just tough to come up with something, especially something unique and worth doing. But you know what? At least never once in my childhood did I say to my parents, "Mom, dad, for Halloween, I wanna be an egg", and you know why I didn't say that? Cause I'm not a fuckin' loser, like this kid.
This Humpty Dumpty community theatre lookin' ass costume is by far the most ridiculously stupid thing I've come across yet while doing these posts, and I've come across some stupid stuff, let me tell you. Read through any of the prior installments, and there's been some dumb shit, but at least they weren't creatively bankrupt. They were just dumb on their own merits. This? This isn't an idea. This is the same as going as a Crayon, which I also saw a lot of kids do when I was a small girl. Look, credit where credit is due, nobody else is going to have her costume, and whether that's an insult or a compliment remains to be seen, but at least she can stand tall in the fact that she's the only one dressed like this, which is good. It'll make it easier for the other kids of the neighborhood to find her and beat her up.
I generally try and veer away from animal masks on this blog in general. I don't think they're usually very interesting, nor original, nor all that spooky, but sometimes one catches my eye and when it's done in a manner such as this, I can't help but appreciate and include it. These terrifying farmers are ready to till the field and plant their crops and...and...whatever it is farmers do. Look, I'm not a farmer, alright. I grew up in the bay area in the 90s, what do you want from me? Now, whether or not this is another example of a modern image pushed through a filter to make it appear older than it is remains to be seen. I try my best to exclude those, but sometimes they do slip through, but even if that's the case - and I personally don't think it is - they went the extra mile to look from the time period. Look at their clothes. They really put in effort into this, and it shows.
God bless the animal farm.
That's it for this installment, and actually this year as a whole on the blog. I'll see y'all in 2023, likely much sooner than I did this year, for more masks you can laugh at and appreciate. Til then, keep safe and have a Happy Halloween, if for nobody else, do it for Cool Vampire. He deserves it.
Comments
Post a Comment