Vintage Mask Roundup #7

Read #1 / Read #2 / Read #3 / Read #4 / Read #5 / Read #6

It's that time once again where we take a break from looking at masks to look at slightly older, weirder masks! That's right, it's the ongoing Vintage Mask Roundup, back for it's 7th thrilling installment!

And what a start we have, seeing as the first photo we're looking at this time around appears to be Satan's daughter on school picture day. She appears to be wearing a dress from the fashionable Blackbeard line, and honestly looks happy as hell to be there. Satan's daughter always look forward to school picture day. Ya know, this mask design is honestly kinda genuinely unnerving, because you can't see just about anything resembling the head its being worn on. A little bit of the scalp at the top, but that's about it. It almost looks as though it was made with a curvature to it to be wrapped perfectly around her head the way an automobile wraps around a lamp post.

But why the pirate fashion? I mean, I get it, every kid - Satan's offspring or not - goes through a pirate phase. Maybe this is just her pirate phase. But that's really a mixing of genres if you ask me. Then again, perhaps Hellementary School has really loose dress codes, and she's just having a great time wearing whatever she wants. Either way, it's just nice to see someone masked having a good time. Often these vintage photos come across as spooky ooky, so it's nice to see someone just enjoying life, or, after life.

You go Satan's daughter. Flaunt that hellfire.

Next up is an odd one, because it's actually a full costume to boot, but the facial design was so goddamned funny to me that I had no choice but to include it. I give to you, Ghost Wife! As you can see from the marking, this photo was taken in 1968, but we don't know when Ghost Wife shuffled off this mortal coil. She could be from the 1800s. Here she is with her husband, who just can't help but love them spectral sluts. Okay that's not fair. I apologize. Ghost Wife is probably a great, loving partner who has eyes only for him.

But let's talk about this face, shall we? The makeup. Why does a ghost need makeup? And it's not even HER face, it's just on the sheet itself. And a more important question, why is the face winking? Something about this doesn't seem right. It's almost as if Ghost Wife is winking to let the camera operator know that, as soon as this photoshoot is done, she's going to off her husband and spend eternity with him, whether he likes it or not. This photo isn't creepy in any way, but the face made me laugh so damn hard that it just had to be included.

Ghost Wife, happy wife happy afterlife. Coming this Fall to NBC.

When you're a bad little girl or boy, you get sent to the Monkey Principal's office. There they do unspeakable things to you, forever tarnishing both your soul and your view on primates. But look, Monkey Principal isn't all doom and gloom, she can be fun too! Here she is having a grand old time on her way to terrify a busload of innocent schoolchildren so badly that they'll quake in fear whenever they see a banana for the remainder of their lives. That goofy ol' Monkey Principal.

I'm not a fan of monkeys. Despite the rest of the world seeming to love them, even as a little girl I was never a fan. I don't really have a reason. I just think they're a wildly overhyped animal. That being said, even I can't deny how often monkey masks are used in horror but often to underwhelming effect, and yet somehow, this photo manages to capture the best monkey mask I've ever seen. That sly little grin, the poofy hair, those big ears to hear your screams better with, and those beady little soulless eyes...this is the stuff of nightmares.

Monkey Principal combines two of our least favorite things: violent apes and school authority. Now, as you walk down the long empty hallway towards her office, you can hear her softly making monkey noises as she awaits your arrival. Monkey Principal will stop at nothing until she has complete and utter control within her school. After all, it's a place of education.

Not a zoo.

Avast ye mateys, hoist anchor and set sails, 'cause we're shovin' off to the isle of the damned!

Here is Captain Briney Death on his way to meet Davey Jones, with his first crewmate, Bonesy Pinup. They may look like a rough and tumble crew, but alas, the fate they met with on the high seas goes to prove that even the most terrifying of pirates can wind up lost souls within these dark waters. I recognize, at this point in the post, that most of these photos aren't inherently "creepy", and that's partially because I wanted to have a good time with this one. When the blog returns in October for another round of posts, I'll do another roundup and try to include some stuff of nightmares in that in, but for this installment, I just wanted to find some goofy ones.

And it doesn't get much goofier than this child who's decided their favorite Halloween costume is the Gordon Fisherman. They even got the coat and everything. They really put a lot of effort into this costume, and aside from having the schooner to pull it all together, I'd say they did quite nicely. Sure it's not the most interesting pirate mask around, but it's a pretty darn good one if you ask me! It's got a fake cigarette, it's got a great mustache, and those shifty eyes that pirates are known for. This is top notch pirate masking, honestly.

Sadly, Captain Briney Death would never come home with the treasures unseen from his ventures into uncharted waters. Some say, if you listen real close near the lighthouse, you can still hear him calling softly over the waters, "Yo ho ho and a bag full of candy!"

Last, but not least, we have this absolutely terrifying inclusion which I've dubbed The Wedded Undead.

Yes, it seems like only yesterday that Richard and Barbara Killedtoosoon were - as their name ironically implied - killed too soon as their car went over an embankment on their way to their honeymoon destination. They'd met at a get together for little people, and had fallen deeply in love, but as it turned out, fate had other plans. Now they drive forever, on an eternal honeymoon, doomed to look as gruesome as the day they died. But...at least they have eachother.

Look, I'm not even gonna pretend that these masks - especially the girls - aren't outright terrifying. You wanted something horrible in this entry, well you just got it. That mask that that little girl has on is easily one of the best masks I've ever seen, and considering the amount of masks I've seen since starting this blog, that says something I'd say. The proportions of the head and the downward turned mouth and the empty eye sockets that seem to go ever onward into oblivion...god this thing gives me the heebie jeebies. It's like looking at a decomposing vampire. Kudos to whoever sculpted this piece of nightmare fueled monstrosity, because it's genuinely unnerving.

The boy's mask is a little more plain, a little more standard, but you know what makes it stand out?

The eyes. If you look closely, you can see eyes inside those eye holes, and that is just the stuff of abject nightmares, quite frankly. The stitch on his forehead is a nice touch, but that eye illusion is just awful in the best kind of way. Yes, Richard and Barbara Killedtoosoon might've been, humorously enough, killed too soon, but at least they get to spend eternity together, and that's more than most people get, alive or dead.

Just....just keep that mask away from me from now on, Barb. You one scary bitch.

Well, that concludes another vintage mask roundup! Until October, I'll be seeing you all, and I hope you have a great summer. Take care of yourselves, and remember...

...don't take everything you see at face value, because sometimes, it might not be a face at all.