This Dog Has Seen Some Shit

I don't normally do animal masks on this blog. Okay sure there was that time I discussed that roach mask and that time I talked about that questionable pig, and that other time I went through all the knock off horse masks, but overall I try and steer away from things based in reality because that's boring. I wanna see stuff that's cool, stuff that's wild and monstrous! But something about this dog mask, when I spotted it (get it? spotted it? cause Spot is a dog name! 10/10 comedy here folks) was how...unnatural it looked and how uncomfortable that made me. This dog looks like a dog who will push you down a well instead of telling others you're down a well. He just looks so goddamn sinister and maniacal. So unscrupulous. Never before was I so sure a dog could look untrustworthy and kind of shifty, but lo and behold, they can.

I think its the eyes. The eyes and that eerie half smile half twisted murderer grin. He just doesn't look like mans best friend. He looks like mans worst enemy. This dog, this dog right here which I've now named Ruddiger, is just downright menacing. But an innocent menacing, like a clown. A clown that wants to eat you. In front of your kids. And then eat your kids too. And I know this mask was intended to be cute, because dogs are cute, and if internet porn has taught me anything it's that people like dressing up like animals! I know this mask was created with the intended purpose of being sweet and welcoming, like a dog, but boy did they drop the tennis ball. This thing is not welcoming in the slightest, and if I saw this thing on the street - especially with a human body - I'd likely shit myself and die in that order.

 Ruddiger definitely falls into that uncanny valley level of design. They didn't make him hyper realistic, but they also didn't make him cartoonish enough. Instead he's stuck in this pseudo real dog form where he looks like an alien trying to mimic a dog. You see Ruddiger and you think, "Oh! What a cute...little...no, this doesn't look right" and then he latches onto your face and impregnates your brain with his spawn because he's an alien mimicking a dog. And that's the worst place a mask can fall, is the uncanny valley. There's virtually no saving grace if a mask slips and falls into there, and no rescue team is on the way either. They don't visit the uncanny valley anymore. Something that looks real but still not real is bad for something that's trying to replace your face, like a mask. It's meant to convey a different person, a character, a monster, whatever, but if it's not even good enough to look like that thing, then it looks like something pretending to be that thing, and people are more confused and put off than they are appreciative of it.

Fuck he's even more horrifying from the front, you guys. Look at that dead eyed thousand yard stare, those squishy jowls and those surprisingly human teeth which makes me a million different levels of uncomfortable if we're being honest. Either he's an empty headed emotionless murderer, or he's been absolutely traumatized by having witnessed something horrifying. If that's the case, then perhaps we should focus on getting poor Ruddiger some help. Nobody should have to deal with that alone. And it's the lowest quality of mask making too, you can tell this thing was just cheaply made and pumped out en masse to meet the demands for store shelves.

And yet...despite all that I've said, despite the cheapness, despite the crass design, despite the mass production look, despite the fact that he looks like he's either going to murder or witnessed a murder most foul, there's something endearing about him, isn't there? That's how it always is. Even the goofiest ones end up being somehow charming. He's still lovable and well worth the spot he's procured here on this blog. Ruddiger will forever live in infamy now, as the dog mask that terrifies millions, and yet is endearing.

As an artist, I can see his worth, even if it looks like has doesn't have any. That's what this mask was all about, seeing the beauty in even the most seemingly ugly creations, because they mattered enough to someone to create them, and that alone means they're important on some level and deserved to be recognized and appreciated. And even if Ruddiger looks like he'll bring me back an arm when I originally threw a stick, I can't help but feel like he'd be the best boy around.

A terrifying boy, certainly, but the best boy nonetheless.