The Pig Oinks At Midnight

I have never in my life felt as threatened by an inanimate object as I am by this mask.

This thing just gives off evil vibes, you feel me? Looking at this ghastly yet cartoonish pig head makes me feel terror in places I didn't know I was capable of feeling terror in. You ever feel terror in your armpits? Yeah, me neither. Until now. And let me state for the record that armpit terror is not a flavor of terror that I'd ever recommend anyone try out. So why exactly, out of all the ghouls and ghosts and monsters and demons that I've covered do I feel like this pig is going to be the one to shank me in an a back alley somewhere? It's the eyes, I think, more than anything else really. It's the eyes. Yeah. They just look so fucking menacing. He's got the thousand yard stare of a serial murderer who's already picked out his next victim, watching them from his car as they piddle about in their front yard, blissfully unaware of the horrors that are about to befall them.

The shading and creases on the snout and jowls are tremendous, but what really makes this mask shine, and this may surprise you, is the ears. One, you'll notice, is straight up but the other...oh the other has a curve to it, and it's such a minor detail but it makes the entire mask. Two ears straight up would be far too cute, but one curved ear? Evil incarnate. What's worse is that pigs are one of my favorite animals, so I would 100% trust this pig, and he would 100% lead me to an abandoned building and remove my organs. Just look at that side eye, this mother fucker can't be trusted! Now, normally I wouldn't cover an animal mask. I'll cover an insect mask, like in my previous post, but I won't cover an animal mask, if only because insects (as I said in that post) are tied to horror and Halloween as it is, but most animals, outside of cats or bats or rats or anything that has 4 letters and the same sounding pronunciation apparently, are not, and for that reason I generally won't cover an animal mask. Also, animal masks are rarely, if ever, actually creatively designed. Often it's just the animal, and nothing more, and while I'm not saying it wouldn't be somewhat creepy, albeit way cool, to see a 5 foot tall bat just walking around in society doing his bat thing, it doesn't exactly fill me with dread the way this goddamned pig does.

Not to mention that pigs are, for whatever reason, also somewhat tied to horror. Whether it's Mason Verger in the Hannibal Lector franchise or the movie The Butcher, where a killer making a snuff film wears a pig mask to disguise his identity, or the video game Manhunt where, basically, someone does the exact same thing as that film; for some reason these are things that tie the pig into the horror concept. Something about a pig just creeps people out I suppose. Perhaps it's because they're generally so cute and innocent seeming that putting them in a horror context is just automatically downright spooky, like small children, which I can totally understand. But that's basically why I'm covering this pig. Also because this pig in particular is fucking terrifying.

This mask is just so well made, so cautiously menacing, that it just gets under my skin in the best kind of ways. Except I really hope this pig never actually gets under my skin. If that happens, please call the proper authorities. The creepy eyes, the one curved ear, the subtle smirk. This pig is just imagining all the kinds of ways he could barbecue you the way you've deliciously done to his countless brethren. Especially if you put it on while wearing something totally normal, like a nice business suit, ooh, creepy. Jon Oinkers here is nothing but a monster, acting so normal in society, hiding how he actually is from everyone until it's too late. I love this mask. I love it to death. It's so well made. That eye is so human and yet so inhuman at the same time that it makes me feel genuinely uncomfortable, and quite frankly, that's a good thing. There's just not enough masks that do CREEPY so well, and it's sorta refreshing to come across one that gives me somewhat of an actual spook.

Overall, Jon Oinkers here is a really magnificent piece of work, which is surprising for an animal mask, as I said before, because they're often not all that interesting visually or creatively. And while Halloween is certainly time for hot girls (like moi) to dress up like sexy cats, I sincerely hope nobody ever dresses up like Jon Oinkers, especially not in a sexual manner. I don't wanna see this thing alive as it is, much less porkin, if you know what I mean. Though, I still, no matter what, cannot shake the feeling that one night, and possibly one night soon, I will awaken from a broken slumber with this thing looming over me menacingly, and as the knife comes down into my gut, all I'll hear is, "THAT'S ALL FOLKS!"

And frankly, what better way to go is there, really?