The Necessary To Cry Coral

Alright, we need to have a talk.

For the last few years I've seen a trend cropping up where you can find, generally in more jokey type stores like Spencers Gifts, a horse mask. You all know the one I'm talking about. I'm talking about that brown one that everyone seems to have, that brown one that seemingly came into existence one day and nobody is sure where it hailed from originally. The one that kind of, honestly, looks like Bojack. Yeah. THAT horse mask. I used to see it ages ago on image boards, but only in the past 5 years or so have I seen it begin to pop up anywhere you look, especially around Halloween time. Enter a Spirit Store or anywhere else one tends to buy costumes in public these days and I guarantee that you'll find it. People love this stupid mask, and I guess it's because it's in our human nature to anthropomorphize things, especially animals. I'm a furry. I'm not going to deny it. I understand it.

So, as with anything popular, you begin to see the knockoffs show up eventually, and that's what we're really here to talk about. Please, scroll back up and take a look at the image I've included at the top of this post. Really look at this poor bastard. Take a long, hard glaring stare at this monstrosity we've created from latex. If you ever want to look an eternally surprised chess piece, then this is the mask for you. The problem with these horse masks isn't even that there's an abundance of them, no, the real problem is that for some reason all of the knock offs tend to look like the derpiest damn thing ever carved out of rubber. Again, I ask you to look at Exhibit A, and just tell me that that poor creature doesn't want to die. I just want to know why all these terrible knock off masks, which don't even have to exist to begin with because frankly you can't copyright a fucking horse so the mask itself should be in the public domain, all look like endured serious head trauma. Again, let's look at what I've come to call Exhibit A. That's his name now, poor son of a bitch.

I mean...look at him. I don't even really need to say anything more, honestly. The lobotomy stare etched onto his face says it all. This horse looks like it's witnessed a murder. Not even a murder, like a...something worse than a murder...a double murder, with fries. And a large shake. Who carved this? And, more importantly, why did they carve him in such a way that makes him look like he's the horse version of Fabio injected with eternal Botox?

I try not to get cruel on this blog, and I have to admit, even I love Exhibit A just for how goddamned goofy he is, but seriously. Someone release this poor sucker from his misery. And what's worse is they're ALL like this. It would be an annoyance, a minor one at that, if it only effected one mold. But it doesn't. You can go to Ebay or even, again to a Spirit Store, and you can find dozens upon dozens of derpy looking Horse masks, all vying for that pop culture spot that original has secured for himself. I also don't really understand the appeal of just the mask in general. Again, I suppose perhaps it's because it's so hilariously weird that we all love it and need to own one, and take hilarious photos of ourselves wearing it in the most mundane situations thinking "Hahaha look at how silly this is! A horse! But in a suit! Hilarious!"

And, okay, that is kinda funny, but it's nowhere near the comedy gold the internet would have you believe it is. Then again, the internet and I tend to differ on humor these days in general, seeing as I don't necessarily think a misspelled word like Borger is the funniest fucking thing ever, so who knows. Maybe I'm just an old lady who's been online for far too long. But I've got proof to back this up, for any of you naysayers (neighsayers? sorry, had to) out there. I dove deep and hard into the annals of ebay to find the absolute worst horse masks I could conjure, and boy did it not disappoint. I'm pleased to announce that Exhibit A is going to be the BEST mask on this post, so get ready folks, cause here we go.

Up next would be what I would call the boy band of horse masks. Just look at that hair style, with his yuppy side part and his ever so thin guyliner. Yep, this horse masks belongs in pop band singing the hits to teenage girls. And while you might think Boy Band Horse here is better than Exhibit A, I'm sorry to tell you that you're wrong. See, the thing is, Exhibit A is horrifying, but he's got character, you know? He's got charisma. This thing? This thing could be replaced by a dozen others just like it, just anyone in a boy band, hence the name.

Like, why's it so pretty? Like the mold itself is kinda generic but like...what's with that mane? It looks like it belongs on an A List actor in a romcom. Who styled this things hair? You know those trashy romance novels you see on the shelves near the checkout of drug stores, and they always have some hunky shirtless man holding a woman in a clingy nighty and the wind is blowing through their hair? Yeah, this is the horse equivalent of that guy. Why's this thing so fucking beautiful? Who designed this thinking, "This thing needs to look like a romantic lead?"

Though, truth be told, I'd buy that book if it was this horse on the cover instead of the hunky guy, cause that's hilarious.

The really unfortunate part of these masks, however, is the eternal shock face they've been stuck with. Each and every single one of them has this look of "I've just seen a ghost!" etched onto their faces for all eternity, and I wanna know who made that decision. Why's that the only way these can be made? Because that's...I don't know, I feel like it's constricting creatively. I mean, you're making horse masks, you're already constricted creatively, so why constrict yourself any further, right? But they ALL look like this. In the very first blog post I made (or rather, the first one to actually talk about a mask, Brainiac Suckerface), I bemoaned the death of classic Halloween masks as they were crushed under the weight of the ever omnipresent Superhero costumes. But...if this is the alternative...maybe the superhero costumes are a pretty good way to go. Again though, I have to admit, I love Boy Band Horse, and frankly, I would love to see an entire boy band wearing these bad boys and never breaking that persona. They could call their band the Stable Boys. It's a goldmine just waiting to be dug, people.

Or perhaps this one next up on our Horse Shopping Channel is more your speed. This poor Unicorn who looks like they've witnessed one tragedy too many, including being born themselves. Again, the gaping mouth and the ever present thousand yard stare, this unicorn looks like it started out as a honor student and wound up in a crack den somewhere turning tricks for sugarcubes.

Guys, I gotta level with you, I know way too much about horses. I took horse back riding lessons as a child, so I'm unfortunately all too familiar with these great hulking beasts, and their deformed latex counterparts. Truth be told, I actually like horses. I DON'T LIKE these masks, but that's neither here nor there.

But again, despite all their horribleness, there's something endearing about them isn't there? Take Cocaine Sally here, who looks like a strung out childrens TV star about 14 years too late into her contract, there's something somewhat redeeming about her, right? I'd like to take all these masks and put them together and show them that, despite their differences, they are deserving of a place in this world. Even if they do look like the Evil Talismans that if brought together would bring unspeakable evil to the Earth. Are you getting the picture here yet? I love ugly things. Also all these horse masks look the same. But yes, in case this blog hasn't made that abundantly clear by this point in time, I absolutely love ugly shit. Masks are some of the ugliest shit there is, especially these mother fuckers.

Take Disfigured Debby here, who looks like she touched an electric fence. Love her. Love all of 'em. They all deserve a place in my home, which is quickly turning into a house of horrors, but that's a conversation for another day. I don't care if they all look the same, and I don't care if they're just plain horses or they're unicorns or they're some other weird fucked up horse like creature, I love 'em. Because they're ugly. Maybe it's just a trait you attain when you grow up being ostracized that you're drawn to the most hideous things available and want to defend them, especially if they cannot defend themselves (and let's pray to god these things never gain enough sentience to defend themselves), but whatever the reason is, I would fucking DIE for these horses. Especially Exhibit A.

I've always held tight to the belief that these masks are a form of art, and therefore deserved to be appreciated as such, even as hideous as they may be, because someone took a lot of time and effort to create them, and because of that commitment, they deserve to be recognized. Maybe not respected, but at least recognized. And hell, I'll respect them, because they're my horrible hideous latex children.

There's too many of them out there, they're all too wonky, none of them really capture that perfect essence of the original that's come to be a staple in mask culture, but to me, they all saddled up and rode into my heart.

Giddyup.