Fat Dracula

Here's a question: can you gain weight from drinking someone's blood? Because if so, that's clearly what happened here. But to be honest, a vampire that looks like this is kind of way more terrifying. He's got a full figure, letting you know he doesn't stop drinking ever. He'll consume a whole ass person if he wants to. No shame. Gotta admire that kind of body acceptance. Though Fat Dracula really has too much neck. He's got like a quadruple chin. I don't say this as a way to make a fat joke, I say this because, as a person who admires masks, I'm curious how one would hide that aspect of it, or even if that's what you're intended to do. I don't know. Just seems like the mask goes on a bit too far down. I would feel claustrophobic in this bad boy, personally, but hey, that's just me.

Personally, on a design level - aside from melting neck syndrome - I really love Fat Dracula. He's got a wonderful blue/greyish tint to him and those fans with that giant tongue are amazing. I also love his beady little eyes and his tiny nostrils, but really it's the hair that ties it all together. It'd be so easy to have made this mask bald, hair is a bitch to work with, but somebody decided, in their grand wisdom which we should never question, to add hair to the whole thing and it ties it all together quite beautifully. He's got a little Don King thing going here, and he's workin' it, man.

I still stand by my assessment that Fat Dracula, cool as he may be, is much too large. Perhaps if you're very strong or perhaps if you work as someone who wears cool things for a living in film, then you're more than capable of wearing this guy without being crushed by him for hours at a time. But for us normal tiny mortals, this thing looks overwhelmingly large and bulky. He's got a fantastic design and shape to him, he's so well made and totally original, but I can't imagine I'd be able to wear this thing for anywhere past a two minute mark, and even that's being generous, I think.

Since that first photo is somewhat slightly shaded, I thought maybe the best course of action would be to include a photo that was more brightly lit, to really make the vibrant low key colors pop on him, and I think I was right, because look at this magnificent son of a bitch. His slit eyes, his little upturned nose, and the little lines around the lips are amazing. In fact, this photo is excellent because it allows us to now see something the previous photo did not, which is that FAT DRACULA HAS EYEBROWS. He's got mother fucking eyebrows! His ears are also great, which we didn't touch on before but I am now. He's got almost elf like ears, and I love that. But his EYEBROWS, dawg.

I can't remember the last time I covered a mask with eyebrows, and it seems like such a weird thing to include, so much so that you'd often ask "why bother?" until you see it so perfectly executed. Fat Dracula really gives off the vibe of some sort of old overweight European Royal who drank too much wine and loved too many women on a daily basis until he was eventually turned into the glorious monstrosity we know and love today. That's the feeling I get from this mask. He was a large guy in a lot of red and purple, with lots of gaudy jewelry, who spoke with a ridiculous british accent, who's now cursed - if that's what you wanna call it - to forever live as Fat Dracula. Really though, he's lucky, we're the cursed ones, having to remain so boringly human. His eyebrows are an important feature because they really give him a ton more character and personality and charm. Also I wanna point out just how much nicer this color is now that it's out in vibrant light and not hidden in the darkness. It really bursts out at you just what a beautiful mixture of blue and grey this is, and why it works so damn well.

Fat Dracula is, as far as quality goes, one of the finest crafted masks I've ever had the chance to discuss. Seriously. The craftsmanship on this bad boy are second to none, and the design work is outta the park. He's on a whole other level, that level being damn near to actual VFX quality stuff you see in 80s movies. He's phenomenal and I won't listen to anyone talk shit about him.

But as far as a wearable mask goes, he's one of the worst. He straddles a weird line in being a true piece of art, but barely a piece of costuming. Unless you're Doug Jones, there's no way you're wearing this guy for more than 5 minutes without your spine collapsing into your anus. Incidentally enough, that may actually make you even scarier, so it might work to your advantage, I don't know, I've never had my spine up my butthole before, so I can't back that up with experience.

...you know, there's a lot of sentences on this blog I never thought I'd type until I've typed them, and that was definitely one of 'em.

Anyway, Fat Dracula is a technical marvel, and I am in awe at his design. He's spectacular, but I can't ever see this being a mask you'd wear as a costume. He's much more the "mask you hang on a wall as art" or something variety. Not that there's anything wrong with that, that's a perfectly fine place to be in too, so here's to you Fat Dracula. May you suck the life out of us for as long as is necessary.