Face Your Fears

There's exists a fine line between art and chaos, and when those two intersect, occasionally they create a magnificent thing. This is not one of those things. This is, however, magnificent in its own right for a lot of strange reasons which we'll get into immediately. Aside from what looks like The Incredible Hulk's grape flavored cousin bursting out of the computer screen, this thing raises so many questions, but the first and most important one is obviously...does this even qualify as a mask? There's certain masks that often aren't actually masks, and I feel like this one here is a pretty spotty example of that. To me, a mask is a face that goes over your own face, and while there is a face here, albeit one popping out from the world wide web probably trying to tell you about ALL THESE GREAT DEALS, it isn't really technically a "face". And I can hear someone arguing, "Well, Cyborgs would count, right? Robots would count, right? So why doesn'...

There are a few times in life where you come across things that you feel have cursed you. This is one of those times. This thing...this fucking thing...feels so overtly evil and ominous that I feel like my life will never recover now from having laid my bare eyes upon it. Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - is right about this mask, and that's what makes it so magnificently frightening. So downright utterly despicable. Is that blood on his lower face, or did someone drop him in a puddle of juice? Why is the upper section of his head so much more detailed than anywhere else? Why's the forehead have so many wrinkles, while the rest of him is as smooth as a babies bottom? WHY DOES HIS MUSTACHE LOOK LIKE SHEDDED DOG FUR ON A PIECE OF VELCRO??? What happened here. Well, as always, it's my job to get to the bottom of this thing, so let's begin, shall we? This abomination, otherwise known from here on out as Adolf Dhamer, is quite possibly the single most horrific piece ...

If you grew up when I did, and was online at the age I was, you most likely remember the internets overly bizarre fascination with Ninjas. For some reason everything was Ninjas. Pirates vs Ninjas. Ask A Ninja. The list goes on and on and on. And, while I'm certainly not against Ninjas, not in the abstract anyway, I also was never a huge fan of Kung-Fu films in general. I liked a few here and there, but they overall just weren't my cup of tea. It just isn't really my genre, and I say that as a giant film geek. But that's absolutely what this mask reminds me of. The lead from a sort of Muppet led kung-fu film, which I would absolutely watch, no questions asked. Overall, it's just cartoony enough to not be boring and just goofy enough to not be realistic (okay, I mean, let's be real, this sort of thing was never going to be realistic), it's just a fantastic overall design. I love that they gave him large pointy elf ears in addition to everything else, even thou...

 It isn't enough that he's balding, it isn't enough that he's gone gangrene but now, on top of everything else in his life, Harold's sneezed his eyes right out of their sockets. Now he's got to hold them with his hands and point them at something if he ever wants to see it, and now only is that - I'm certain - somewhat offputting for anyone in his immediate vicinity, but also it just sounds incredibly frustrating. Just imagine standing a in a crowded bustling superstore, simply trying to hold your eyeballs steady between your index finger and your thumb long enough to see what kind of poptarts they have available, while everyone keeps bumping into you and not even recognizing that you're having trouble just doing the slightest simplest thing they all take for granted. Rude, honestly. This mask is really great, honestly. The colors are vibrant as hell and really work together nicely, and I think a good reason for that is because the red veiny bits that th...